Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don’t date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don’t have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don’t wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an ‘83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
Until next time…
Heather
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting — even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
“Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Levitz’s and Target’s and Mervyn’s–all here!!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!”
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT … YOU’LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!”
Author Unknown
Until next time…
Heather
Permalink CommentsHow thrilled am I that I don’t ever have to receive these memos!
Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so
that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s
wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, the Committee On Committee’s has
appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for
proper dress.
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of
“Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards” has been mailed to
each employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and
consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before
leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on
Friday.
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued,
effective immediately.
Until next time…
Heather
Permalink 6 Comments
How true is this?
Until next time…
Heather
Permalink 4 CommentsDear Henry:
I have a problem. I have two brothers. One brother is in advertising. The other was put to death in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when I was three years old. My sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs to high-school students. Recently, I met a girl who was just released from a youth prison where she was serving time for killing her dog with a sledge hammer, and I want to marry her. My problem is, should I tell her about my brother who is in advertising?
Signed, Anonymous
Courtesy of Building Brands
Permalink 2 Comments